01 Aug A return to blogging and other stories

I know it feels a bit 2010’s but I decided to start blogging again.

I’ve been looking for a space to do some more writing about my work and life in general.

Social media isn’t really cutting it at the moment, well I’m still enjoying it but I wanted something more something that’s in my control, and not at the whims of a tech bro.

So here I am writing a blog again.

I often feel like I’m in a battle, or a tug of war between being myself and all that contains (the mess, the complexity, the emotion, the expression)  and the ‘nice girl’ which is embodied by my paper sculptures which everybody loves , because they’re beautiful and nice and the part of me that wants to rage and scream and be set free to make a mess and burn the house down.

Yet I don’t want to hate on my paper sculptures or even dislike them because they are beautiful and they capture something of life, those fleeting fragile moments, the beauty and wonder of nature, the joy and delicacy of the cutting I create and the colour. Vintage maps have such beautiful colours within them.

So I love those paper cuts hard. But how to square that with the desire to be different to do something different. With the feelings I have that can’t be contained within the paper. They don’t feel enough anymore. Do I even need to fight the battle, can’t I call a truce?

And do both.

Accept that I am both things. I tell myself the story that I am only rewarded when I’m the nice girl, but that is only a story and I can choose again. I can choose a different story. One that serves me better. I am rewarded when I show up as my whole self.

It’s OK to rage and scream (there’s a lot to rage and scream about at the moment) and set myself free from the shackles of trying to be loved and rage (some more) and paint and make paper sculptures and be messy and uncontrolled and feel free and expressive.

These feelings really began to surface when the hormonal shit show that is perimenopause really hit.

They’d probably been there for years but until my hormones started going a bit crazy I was able to ignore (hide from them).

One of the biggest symptoms for me was loss of confidence. It was almost over night that I lost all confidence in my ability to do things along with brain fog that meant I couldn’t focus or remember anything.

A great combination. I realise now that there is a beauty in this, as I had to re-find myself, discover who I am now.

It was a creative crisis that became a creative epiphany. Though in the darkest moments I couldn’t see my way out. I felt lost. It’s been quite a ride I can tell you.

Therapy, a relationship break up, rediscovering painting, some mentoring, doing more painting and a whole heap of work on myself.

I wouldn’t change a thing though. Sometimes you have to clear everything out to find your new path. Some mixed metaphors there but in the end, I needed to change some things and reassess what was important to me.

Here endeth my first blogg of 2022!